It’s a crowded field in the race for SL Governor…not as crowded as, say, the famous California gubernatorial election which recalled Gray Davis and elected Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I have a fair share of worthy opponents. Though the popular press is doing a good job of keeping track of the race, let us have a look at the competition:
- Dolmere Talamasca – I’ve known Dolmere for quite some time, and I have believed him to be generally honorable, but his proposed platform, quite frankly, sounds a bit on the totalitarian side. The Evans campaign stands for freedom and democracy, not despotism and kleptocracy; remember this when you pull the lever. (Sadly, I note that Dolmere has chosen to go negative in a big way with a smear campaign. Our campaign does not approve of negativity, and condemns the scurrilous lies currently being floated as “campaigning” by the Talamasca camp; however, we wonder what skeletons are lurking in Dolmere’s closet. Oh, wait–he is a skeleton. Never mind.)
- Romana Wei – Ms. Wei’s primary campaign plank seems to be the declaration of a “War on Danger,” in an attempt to scare the Residents of Second Life to vote for her. Friends, don’t be fooled; this “War on Danger” is but a thinly-disguised attempt to restrict your freedoms in the name of safety. Under an Evans Administration, we will have no need to resort to phony “Wars” on anything, and the only ones to have their freedoms restricted will be the griefers and criminals.
- Tiana Meriman – Ms. Meriman represents the “PATH Party,” which claims to be on the side of God. We note in passing that that didn’t work well for Jerry Falwell, either. I don’t claim to be on the side of God; rather, I’m on your side. An Evans Administration will be inclusive and accepting, even about certain practices with which I may personally disagree. We recognize that this is a government of, by, and for the Residents–all of the Residents.
- Vint Falken – Ms. Falken is something of a “dark horse” candidate at this time, as far as I can tell. She claims that the best reason to vote for her is that we are “all alike.” Nonsense; we are not all alike, and it is our very diversity that gives us strength. The Evans Administration will be open to all viewpoints in determining the course for our Grid. UPDATE: Ms. Falken chooses to quibble over terminology in comments. It’s clear she will be a feisty opponent in this campaign!
- Zoe Connolly – I admire Ms. Connolly’s stance on the right to keep and bear arms, certainly. I also admire her stance against voice in Second Life, and in fact I will go her one better: If elected, I will impose an immediate moratorium on ALL new features until Grid stability and scalability have been improved to support at least ten times the number of concurrent users presently allowable. I have heard countless complaints from Residents of how the developers are playing with shiny toys while the Grid literally falls to pieces around them–and us. This situation must be improved if we are to move forward.
- Iron Plato – A relatively recent entry, Mr. Plato enjoys the backing of noted Inventrix and Mistress of Science Ordinal Malaprop, which will make him a formidable opponent indeed. However, we at the Evans campaign are skeptical that a candidate employing 19th-century technology will be able to effectively govern a Grid spanning thousands of years of recorded history, past and future. In addition, the dangers of government by computer have been well established in the literature. (See, for example, Logan’s Run, the “Return of the Archons” and “The Apple” episodes of the original Star Trek, and any of the Terminator movies.)
I’m sure you, my fellow Residents, will agree that these candidates fall short of the mark. Nowhere, for example, do I see mention of a candidate with a proven track record such as mine (as a software expert, virtual community manager, and SL business owner). And of course, you can believe me, because I’m always right, and I never lie!
Your choice is clear: Evans ’07!
Standard disclaimer: This is a work of SATIRE, etc., etc., yadda yadda yadda. In fact, every posting I make tagged with the “Gubernatorial Campaign” category may be considered satire. However, I never could resist a good political satire. 🙂